My mom knows I’m trying to get back down to 146. I was just telling her about the ideal weight for my frame and height and she said she doesn’t “understand why” I’m 165 right now, which is at the ideal weight for a large framed person. I told her it’s because “I eat too much.” She said, “But you exercise,” (as if that’s the ONLY thing that helps stop weight gain. It doesn’t since exercise is only 30% of weight/fat loss) and then went onto say something close to, basically, that I don’t eat much as I know I do.

I almost told her I’m positive I have a binge eating disorder. But, I didn’t want to tell her, because I know she wouldn’t really believe me. She wouldn’t believe that I have an eating disorder because she’s never seen me eat as much as I do. I do it in secret. Plus, she always tells me that there’s nothing wrong with me, much like that quote from Chris Colfer, “There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s a lot wrong with the world you live in.”

She did wonder, though, if I was allergic to gluten because she is. It might be a possibility. I might have that along with the binge eating disorder. I just don’t want to restrict what I’m eating too much right now, but if I was allergic to gluten, that would help me loose fat and all that. 

But… I don’t know. I just really wanted to tell her what I’m dealing with, but instead I just said, “No. Really. I eat way too much. That’s my problem. That’s why I can’t loose this weight.” Well, that’s actually not true anymore because my binge eating days ended on May 30, 2011 and that’s where it’ll stay.

It’s just hard to tell her. She knows about my journal (she watched me buy it 4 days ago), she knows what I get to eat at the grocery store and thinks I don’t eat as much as I did, she knows my goal weight and my current weight, and she knows I’m trying to lose fat/weight (whatever you want to call it). Right now, though, she doesn’t know about my binge eating disorder. At least she knows things like that. I just have to work at it to get my weight back to normal, to my frame size. 

She’s supportive, though :) She knows how much I want this. I’m just glad I have somewhere to write all my thoughts down to try to get through this and change my lifestyle for good.

I was just thinking of my ED. My bingeing disorder. For some reason, I feel scared to let it go. Maybe it’s because I like consistency, or because it’s something I rely on too much because I don’t have much else to rely on. I’m pretty lonely. I eat by myself. I hate eating in front of other people. I’m scared of people knowing how much I actually do eat. It’s embarrassing, but for some reason I can’t stop it. 

When I think of letting it die, I get this feeling like I get when I think of the past. It’s fear and longing for something. It’s loneliness. 

There are two constant things that pop through my head every day: I need to stop eating so much and I want a boyfriend. 

When I was just thinking of the future, it’s that same fear I get when I think of the possibility that I won’t get a boyfriend, ever. It’s also the longing I feel for him. It’s like I can’t stop eating because I long for something. It’s also like I can’t stop eating because I miss the past and all the things I was never able to do that normal teenagers did. I’m 20 years old and I spent most of that time doing something I didn’t like. I did band for 7 years and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Once I started doing art, I was so happy. I was the happiest I had ever been during those art classes.  

I want to feel that happiness with myself again. I want to get out of band (as if it were the ED) and go onto art (the fitness). But, there’s this feeling that I’ll never be able to do it, like how I think I’ll never get a boyfriend. 

It’s confusing. I read that the best way to get over this is to talk about it and I’m trying to talk about it. I want to talk about it, to get it off my chest. But, I really wish it were as simple as quitting band and signing up for an art class.